Get heard the way you want with clear and compassionate honesty
Isn’t it ironic – some would say tragic – that when we most need love, caring, and support, we tend to communicate in ways that make it less likely for us to get what we need?
Think of a time you felt hurt in a conversation. Did you feel confident approaching the other person to express what was going on for you?
Try this:
1) Write down what you said or thought: (for example: “You are rude!”).
2) Next, unpack that statement into four components: observation, feeling, need, request:
(a) a clear observation free from interpretations or evaluations (what the person said or did, not what you think about what they said or did);
(b) a clear feeling or emotion free from evaluative language (sadness, disappointment, frustration, irritation, confusion, etc.; the following do not count as feelings: “I feel _____ (attacked, blamed, ignored, disrespected, condescended to, ignored, boxed-in, etc.)” These are not true feelings because they are images of what someone is doing to you, and therefore carry subtle or not-so-subtle blame or an implication of wrongness on the other person’s part. Another sign these are not true feelings is that different people can feel different things if they see themselves as attacked, betrayed, etc. If you see yourself as attacked you might feel angry, I might feel scared, someone else might feel sad, and so on.
(c) a universal human need. Needs are defined as how life is seeking to express itself in this moment. Needs are the conditions common to all humans that are necessary for someone to thrive, for example: friendship, creative expression, harmony, connection, companionship, freedom to make our own choices, intimacy, understanding, consideration, an so on. If you have a hard time thinking of a clear need word, then think of something deeply important to you, something you value. Furthermore, needs, because they are universal, never refer to a specific person taking a specific action (that comes in during the request). The other person is more likely to receive what you have to say compassionately if they can personally relate to what is important to you, and universal needs achieve just that.
(d) a clear request. A request is only such if it is specific, do-able, actionable in the present-moment, and expressed in positive language (what you want the person to do, as opposed to what you want the person not to do).
For example, “You are rude!”, unpacked into all four components, becomes, “When you stepped into the line in front of me, I feel disappointment and irritation, because I have a need for consideration. Would you be willing to tell me what was going on for you when you did that?” (Notice the feeling is connected to the need, not to the other person’s action. “I feel disappointment and irritation because you cut in line” is not likely to achieve the same results.)