Clearing the pipes for communication flow
by Rafa Kalapa
Imagine that the communication link between two people resembles a clear plastic tube.
Trying to get my point across would be like putting a bandana through the tube.
But what if the other person is trying to get their point across too?
Our bandanas meet inside the tube, and neither person’s point makes it through. We may find ourselves butting heads or at the very least not hearing each other.
One of the insights NVC has given me is that I am most likely to get heard if the other person feels heard first.
What does this look like?
Well, first I remove my bandana from the tube, and allow theirs to come through.
Now there is room for me to speak, and I have a much better chance of getting heard!
The quality of connection I’m looking for happens both through listening as well as honestly sharing my truth.
But if what I have to say is not getting through, I take it as a clue that it might be helpful if I shift into listening mode.
And sometimes it’s helpful to stay there a bit longer than I originally anticipated.
And as soon as the other person trusts that they were heard, then there is space and right timing for me to come back with my truth and perspective.
These are the two primordial steps to the dance of connection: giving and receiving; speaking and listening; honesty and empathy.
Does this sound too simple?
Try it!
You’ll be amazed how often we miss each other or butt heads in a way that is preventable by spotting a very simple dynamic.
If you get stuck, try listening first.