The high cost of unclear motivations (Please don’t do me any favors…unless):
or, The energy with which we do anything for each other is just as important as the thing itself
by Rafa Kalapa
When we do anything for each other motivated by one of the following energies, one of us may get what we wanted, but the relationship will pay a big price:
fear
guilt
shame
duty
obligation
rewards
punishment
shoulds
have-tos
Anytime we do anything for each other with one of these life-alienated motivations, there is a high likelihood that we will be contributing to greater disconnection and resentment in the relationship. Acting from these motivators often detracts from the quality of connection that allows us to enjoy each other and create mutually agreeable outcomes.
Have you ever had someone do you a favor, but then you paid a big price for it? For example, someone did something that you wanted, but later resented you, or disconnected themselves from you?
Imagine a dinner guest who very much enjoyed what you prepared for them. This is a fulfilling experience; we all love contributing to others if we can do so freely. Now imagine that your dinner guest threatens you for the food, or tries to guilt-trip you into feeding them. That natural joy of giving disappears quickly.
In Nonviolent CommunicationSM or NVC, it’s OK to want other people to do what you want them to do. However, we recognize that the energy with which they do it is just as important as the thing itself. From a less life-serving – and perhaps more common – mindset, we may want people to do what we want, but we just want it done, and whether or not it works for the other person is less important. From this life-disconnected perspective, it’s perfectly ok to motivate people out of fear, guilt, shame, duty, etc.
In NVC we recognize that if anyone does anything for us, or if we do anything for anyone else, out of any of these energies, then the relationship will pay for it. And the longer you associate me with these energies, the less likely it is that my needs will matter to you in the long run.
A larger context
All over the world people are playing one of two games:
The first game is called “Who is Right and Who is Wrong?”
The other is called, “How Can We Make Life More Wonderful?”
These are very different approaches to the world; very different perspectives on life.
NVC, which I like to call Empowered Communication, is rooted in the latter of the two and is infused with a spontaneous and natural joy of giving that happens when we feel connected to one another.
We always have choice
The bottom line is that we always have choice. We may not always like the options of which we’re aware. But within that we always have choice.
I was discussing this point with a friend while hanging out in his kitchen. He said, “But Alan, there are some things you just have to do!”
I said, “Give me an example.”
“I have to do the dishes,” he replied.
“No you don’t,” I said. “Here are some other options: throw them out and buy new ones; eat off of dirty plates; use paper plates.”
I think he got the point that he had a choice. But here’s the important distinction:
If I’m doing the dishes while telling myself things like “I have to” and “If I don’t do it nobody else will…” — then I will do them with physical and mental tension, and most likely will be resenting the task and possibly other people.
On the other hand, I can try to connect to how doing the dishes contributes to my -and others’- well-being. Perhaps doing the dishes meets my needs for health and hygiene, and possibly order. Or it aligns with my values for being a contributing member of the community that is my household.
When I do something because I’m connected to how it serves life, this is an entirely different experience than doing it from the life-disconnected motivations listed above. And each type of intentionality generates its own ripples of the same type through the world.
Choose what is important
In my household we have an understanding that we do not do anything for each other coming from the life-alienated motivations listed above. If Tess is doing the dishes and resenting me for it, I would rather she not do the dishes. If I’m vacuuming and resenting Tess for it, she would rather I not vacuum. Because after all, what is more important, the dishes or the relationship? — a vacuumed carpet, or the relationship? In the end, the dishes still get done, and the carpet still gets vacuumed, but we have our priorities straight. We do our best to avoid doing things for each other with an energy that will result in resentment or disconnection.
When you notice yourself doing something for someone else, but your motivation is coming from, fear, guilt, shame, etc., STOP, and take a deep breath.
(Also a good idea if you’re on the receiving end of someone else acting from these motivations.)
Then consider the following:
– If I continue or the other person continues acting from this energy, will it breed resentment and/or disconnection?
– What is more important, the desired outcome or the relationship?
– Can I connect to how performing this action contributes to my own -and others’- well-being?
– What’s the worst that could happen if I totally refrain from performing this action and instead either drop it, delegate it, or wait until I can come from a life-serving motivation?