Don’t Just Do Something, Sit There
The first step in NVC: Be Present
by Rafa Kalapa
“The greatest gift we give ourselves or anyone else is the quality of our attention.”
— Richard Moss
“The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer.”
— Edward R. Murrow
When we allow our thoughts and stories to take center-stage in our minds — and we forget to slow down & be present — we miss the gift of each moment with one another.
The conundrum about catching yourself when you are lost in your head, is that you’re not aware that you’re not present, until you become aware of it.
Here is a story from my own life that illustrates how I got present and the big difference it made in a relationship that is important to me:
From my home-office I could hear the screaming from the dining room while I was trying to focus. Added to the stress of a looming deadline, there was loud chaos in my house.
I walked out and saw my young daughter throwing a tantrum at the table; yelling, pounding her fists on the table and kicking her legs wildly. I had been trying to work and I was very irritated. I could only connect with my desire to make her be quiet. In my mind, I visualized myself grabbing her and shaking her.
Then, a switch went off inside me and I stopped where I was. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and connected with what was going on inside.
I needed her to shut up. Really? My training told me this wasn’t really a need. “OK, Alan, if she shuts up what will you get?”
“Peace & quiet.”
“Which will give you what?”
“The support I need to be able to focus & get back to work.”
Ding! Like turning a camera lens, things came into focus. My need was for support so that I could concentrate on completing something that would meet other needs: keeping agreements (integrity), livelihood, and sharing my gifts. Notice how completely different this is from “I need her to shut up!”
This process of compassionately turning your attention inward we call self-empathy, and it took a total of about 5 or 10 seconds.
Now that I was connected with myself I could turn my attention to my daughter.
My need was no longer “to get her to be quiet” — which is not a true need anyway. My priority now became connection so that we could both get our needs met. After giving myself self-empathy, I had access to curiosity about what was happening in my daughter’s world.
It turns out her mom had given her a bowl of blueberries, three of which had fallen on the floor thus shattering the perfection of her breakfast (she was 4 at the time). Once I understood what was happening, and I was connected to her needs I could move to proposing – not imposing – a solution: “Would it be helpful if Papa got you three more blueberries?” The enthusiastic, teary-eyed nodding confirmed my guess, and within 1 minute 2 things happened:
1) The crying stopped without any coercion or forcefulness on my part
2) The conditions were right for me to get back to work, in a way that had preserved the integrity of an important relationship to me.
Getting present with myself was the first step in shifting what could have been the ugly scene of papa trying to impose his way, with the resulting damage to the relationship with my child.
Initially I thought my need was to get her to shut up. Instead, I slowed down, got present first with myself, which then allowed me to be present with her. Once we connected, the win-win solution was fairly simple, obvious, and easy to implement.
Noticing when we are moving fast, barely present to ourselves or those around us, can take practice. Remembering to take a deep breath can be paramount. In some situations, taking a time out to get present can be very useful.
Going inside, we can contact our own feelings, needs, and requests. And remember that there’s a big difference between trying to “figure out” your feelings and needs versus contacting your feelings & needs.
Once you are present you can:
– listen with your whole being
– proactively act from your interior clarity
– respond to whatever happens around you from a place of connection w/ yourself and others
Therefore, anything that helps us get and remain present will be useful for our own lives and our personal and professional relationships.
Like a patient animal trainer, gently keep bringing your mind back to the present moment. This is where our heart can open.
Work on developing your ability to internally slow down and be fully present. Find what works for you to remind yourself to slow down. As you practice getting and staying present it becomes easier. This is the foundation for connecting with ourselves and others, and creating mutually satisfying outcomes.
“If we take eternity to mean not infinite temporal duration but timelessness, then eternal life belongs to those who live in the present.”
— Ludwig Wittgenstein, philosopher, 1889-1951