Four options for how to hear any message…

…no matter what it is

by Rafa Kalapa

Suppose somebody says something to you that is difficult to hear.

Has anyone ever spoken to you in a way that came across as a judgment, criticism, or verbal attack? Think of a specific instance, an exact quote if possible. Got it?

Here’s my example: after a public meeting a few years ago, someone came up to me very angrily and expressed: “Everything you stand for is part of what’s wrong with human beings on the planet!”

Here are your four options:

1) Judge them back.

Do not accept what they have to say, and counter by pointing out everything that is wrong with them.
My example: “You obviously didn’t even listen to a word I said! What is wrong with you? You have no right to talk to me that way! You have no idea what I’m about or what my work is! You’re obviously disturbed!”
One indicator that you are doing this is if you’re feeling rage or anger.

2) Judge Yourself.

Take it personally. Not only accept their judgment, but internalize it. “Surely there is something wrong with me!”

My example:

To myself: “Oh no! What did I do wrong? Maybe I am clueless about what a negative impact my values and actions have.” OR “This person doesn’t understand me, and it’s obviously because (insert self-judgment here, e.g.: “I’m a poor communicator”)!

This is a sure path to shame, guilt, or depression.
Fortunately these are not your only options! You can also:

3) Connect compassionately with yourself —

— and that means connecting with what we’re feeling and needing. What is deeply valuable and precious to me in this moment? Note: there is a difference between figuring out what is in our heart, and contacting what is there. This option is simply: “connect with yourself”. It does not mean “connect with your judgments and analyses” — but, instead, your feelings and needs.

My example:

(as I connect with myself, in silence — this can happen in a brief instant) “I’m feeling deep disappointment because I was hoping to be clear about my values and my stance on this issue.” (In this case my needs are clear communication and connection.)

Notice how different this is from either judging them back or judging myself.

4) Connect compassionately with the other person.

Behind or underneath their judgment there is something in the other person’s heart. What is it? What is deeply valuable and precious to them, behind the words they’re choosing to use? This can be out loud by offering a guess as to -not a statement about- what is going on for them. But much of the time this can happen in silence, and what the person receives is our presence, and a certain quality of attention. It also sets the stage for whatever dialog ensues.

My example:

“It sounds like you really care about the health of our forests, rivers and streams, is that right? And when you perceive a threat to those it’s very, very hard for you. Am I understanding?”
 

Again, notice how different this is from either judging them back or judging myself.

If I’m not able to connect with another compassionately (#4), it may be that I need empathy first (#3).
Notice that you have these four options no matter what the message is, even if it’s the other person’s silence followed them leaving and slamming the door!
Of course there is much more to how this fits into a larger practice of empowered communication!

Try this:

As you go through your day, notice your reaction or response to the things that people say.

Which of the above four is it?

Do you sometimes bounce between one and another of these?

What would it take for you to consistently come from a place of self-compassion and compassion for others?

What would the impact be on your life at home, at work, and your ability to make your dreams happen?

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