Going Deep: Uncovering Core Human Motivators
by Rafa Kalapa
I call the following exercise “Peeling the Layers of the Onion”. It illustrates a process for uncovering layers of motivations to find Universal Human Needs.
Introduction
One of the premises in NVC is that behind all behavior and expressions are Universal Human Needs as the deeper motivators.
And one of the key distinctions in NVC is that between Needs and Strategies.
Needs are universal; they never refer to a specific person performing any specific action. They are the conditions necessary for any person to thrive: love, connection, creative expression, choice as to our goals and the path to achieve them, intimacy, consideration, meaning, and so on.
Strategies are the ways we go about meeting Needs.
We get in trouble when we confuse the two.
For example, I have a need for safety and protection. My strategy might be to go out and meet all my neighbors. This strategy contributes to my need. One of my neighbors has the same need, but he goes out and buys an assault rifle. Same Need; totally different Strategy.
And when we discover and identify the actual need, possibilities open up with regard to strategies. For any one need there may be hundreds of strategies that could fulfill it. But if I think my strategy is my need, then I am more likely to experience scarcity (only one way to meet my Needs); I am more likely to get attached to that specific action; and I am more likely to encounter conflict regarding how that need or set of needs gets met.
Regarding Needs and Strategies, what we actually have is a spectrum.
Some NVC Trainers say there is only one need: THE NEED. Some call it God, or Spirit, or Reality or the Universe.
Then you have Universal Human Needs. The core human motivators that amount to the conditions necessary for each human life to thrive. Thrival Needs.
Then you have Values. These are still very deeply held and important, but they are no longer universal.
Then you have Interests, which represent something that is important and meaningful to us. They are guided by our values, and they go a little deeper than wants and desires.
Our Wants and Desires may still be important to us, but they don’t run as deep as Interests, Values, or Needs.
Our Strategies are the ways in which we fulfill our Needs. Hopefully, we can be flexible as to the Strategies we use. Sometimes we can develop a lot of attachment to them. And we definitely get in trouble if we mistake them for Needs, or if we think we “need” a specific person to take a specific action.
Positions are essentially calcified Strategies. A genuine Position is something we rarely have flexibility around, either because we’ve developed a lot of attachment, or because it’s the only way we know to meet a deeper Need.
So how do you know if you are at a want/desire or at a genuine Need?
How can we help ourselves and others surface what might be motivating us
(or others) at a deeper level?
Here’s how
Ask yourself: “If I had that, then what would I have?”
Another variation is: “If I had that, then what would that give me?”
For example (JUST AN EXAMPLE!), I tell my partner, “I need that window open.” Even though I used the word “need”, having her open the window is obviously a strategy and not a need (as previously defined). If all 7 billion of us needed Tess to open the window THEN it would be a Universal Human Need!
Let’s say she’s curious about my deeper needs. She might ask, “Well, Alan, if I opened the window what would that do for you?” (…another variation of the question I’m suggesting.)
“Well,” I would answer, “it’s a little stuffy in here, and it would give me fresh air.”
She’s curious, so she keeps going.
“If you had fresh air, then what would that give you?”
Rafa: “Well, I would be more comfortable.”
Tess: “If you were more comfortable, what would that give you? What would you have then?”
Rafa: “Well, I’d be able to be more present.”
Tess: “And if you were more present, then what would you have?”
Rafa: “I’d feel confident that I’m of service to my people with the content I’m creating.”
Tess: “So if you were of service to your people, then what would you have?”
Rafa: “I would trust that I’m walking my path and living my life’s purpose.”
Conclusion
So I started with wanting support by having her open the window, but I ended with service and life purpose.
And you can do this on your own, with yourself.
You can take anything you want, and ask yourself that set of questions.
Perhaps you want to learn how to play the saxophone, or you’d like to screw in a lightbulb, or maybe you want your mother to stop yelling at you.
The questions above, if done in a sincere spirit of curiosity and inquiry, will take you to deeper and deeper values and Universal Human Needs.