The Power of Empathy
by Rafa Kalapa
Technically speaking, we do not offer somebody else empathy, even though we sometimes call it “giving empathy.”
What we are giving is our full attention with our whole being.
We offer presence, and as a result the other person’s need for empathy is met.
So empathy is actually a Universal Human Need; a core human motivator; a condition necessary for Life to thrive.
1) Think of a time that you were on the receiving end of somebody else’s judgment, blame, or criticism. Turning your compassionate, empathic attention inward, what feelings and needs do you tune in to? (Or what feelings and needs were alive for you at the time?)
2) Tuning into the other person, what feelings and needs do you think were present when they said what they said? Can you be present empathically to the situation you are thinking of? (If it’s hard to be present to what might have been, or might be, going on in the other person, chances are you need more empathy. Go back to step 1, or find someone who can be present for you in this way. Then continue with step 2.)
3) Once you are connected with the other person’s needs and your own, how might you begin a conversation that leads to a greater quality of connection and a win-win outcome? Stumped? Come to one of our communication workshops!
What empathy is NOT:
– Sympathy (“I feel your pain. I’ve been there.”)
– Suggestions (“Let me tell you what I think you should do…”)
– Fixing or resolving things (“Daddy will buy you a new one!”)
– Investigation (“When was the first time you felt this way?”)
– Diagnosing (“This is because you’re an [egomaniac, Aries, etc.]”)
– Honesty (“When I hear what you’re saying I feel upset…”)
– Agreement (“You’re right!”)
What empathy IS:
– Defined as a respectful or compassionate understanding
– Has a quality of being completely present for what is present in the other person at this moment
– Has a quality of following instead of leading
– We guess or try to sense how the other person is, with the intention of connection and understanding